Pretty in Peach

Sick of this. Sick of you. Sick of them. Sick of school. Sick of lame ass teachers and crazy girls. Sick of running. Sick of boys. Sick of stupid boys. Sick of stupid girls.
I’m so sick of the way you are acting. But the completely messed up part is that I cannot help but like you, still.

It seems to me that I am becoming much too infatuated with him. He is like that drug that I am addicted to. He is a beautiful human being with a wonderful soul. But he is also the ruination of me. I am falling apart. My seams are ripping and revealing the things buried so deep down inside, that I have even forgotten them. I become much too excited whenever I am talking to him and yet, I feel as if my very soul is being ripped from my body when it is time to say: farewell.

And now…I cannot keep my eyes open.

Hunter is driving me crazy. He likes me for sure, but we shall see what tomorrow brings.

HE WAS LISTENING TO MY PLAYLISTS ON SPOTIFY. AHHH, THE POWER OF MUSIC!

Sometimes….like tonight. Tonight I felt it. Tonight I feel it. That feeling that I have not felt in a hundred years. The loud pounding of my heart. The quivering and shaking. The raw yet tingled feeling inside of me. I really want him to be the one. or something. yes, something would be nice.

I am the princess that resides in the tower of high school. Awaiting my prince for, what seems like, a thousand years. But I am getting tired. Tired of waiting around. Tired of rejection. Tired of the same people and the same things…again and again and again. I want that prince charming to come sweep me off my feet. I just want someone to realize that I exist. I live in world of people; pretending to be something they are not. And I guess that I am just waiting on the guy who will break away from the crowd and be himself. And until then, I am just going to keep on going. I’ll let him find me.

I absolutely adore the movie: A Walk to Remember. Anyway, in the movie Jamie Sullivan makes a list of things that she wishes to accomplish before her death. Her list touched me very much and I have now decided to make my own. Besides, I have no idea how long I have left. 

Oh baby, baby, baby b. I think about you nightly.

WHEN I LOOK IN YOUR EYES, I TEND TO LOSE MY THOUGHTS.

Things are looking up. Hunter is texting me constantly. I have found who my true friends are. I am ready to go out and live my life. With no worries and no depression. I am ready to be me. and love it. I will not let the title That Girl define me. I will define it. 

Whilst watching the hit TV show, Pretty Little Liars, my mother saw Aria and looked at me and said, “Gosh. Now you will want your hair to be dark!” HA! She read my mind. Let’s not have that happen ever again. But, I am surprised because she said that she will let me die it dark. 

I absolutely love this show!

So I just ate the last piece of cookies and cream Hershey chocolate bar…..and it’s a bittersweet feeling. The chocolate bar was delicious; but, now I am left with a desire for something that is gone. Brendan. Standing across the street from me. He smiled shyly and half waved. My heart fluttered and I fought the irresistable urge to sprint towards him and wrap him in my arms. In that instant, my world was dreamy and perfect; a wonderland like no other. An hour later we were dragged away from each other by anxious parents. And then came the bittersweet feeling that still has not departed from me. A winter wind. A never-ending night. I was alone. I am alone. I will be alone.

He lives down the street, you know. Probably about fifty or sixty steps. Or seventy. Yet, our two worlds are so far apart. We live in different dimensions, different atmospheres. Alien planets, perhaps. Mars. If I had to pick a planet to live on, it would be Mars. 

It’s like forgetting the words to your favorite song. You can’t believe it; you were always singing along. It was so easy and the words so sweet. You can’t remember. You try to feel the beat.

I am underwater. I have chosen not to struggle, for I know that struggling will only bring more pain. I float sleepily in a sea of broken dreams. Dreaming with a broken  heart. And waking up, is the hardest part. I roll out of bed and fall on bleeding knees. I can hardly breathe. I close my eyes and, on the inside of my eyelids, black. An empty, nothing black. 

On the outside, I maintain a cool facade; pretend that my bones aren’t crunching together in a deadly rythm. Not a soul knows what I really feel. I am in repair. 

(THIS IS AN OLD DRAFT THAT I WROTE. I KNOW THAT IT SOUNDS SO DEPRESSING, BUT I THOUGHT THAT I WROTE PRETTY WELL. HAHA. MAYBE I WILL USE IT FOR MY NOVEL…)

I say now. Now is the time. Not tomorrow, not in two days, or two months. or even two years. The time is now. It is time to start living. not just existing. inhaling and exhaling. It is time for me to start living how I want to and to start living in a way that expresses who I am. There is not enough time for me to sit around holding a grudge. forgiveness is what I need to reach. Also, I realize now that I have not honestly given anyone who I have met lately a chance to express who THEY are. sorry.

THE TIME IS NOW. For me to go eat a piece of key lime pie. :)  

I am so done with everything that is holding me back from being who I am. No more cursing. No more depression. No more waiting around for boys who are not worth my time. No more sitting in the corner, watching people having fun while I am not. No more pretending to be something that I am not.

Hey guys, I am Carson Rabalais. I am starting over. I wish you all the best and have a happy new year.